Stages of Clinginess

STAGE ONE: The Independent Woman

Strives and thrives on the ‘independent woman’ concept, or so it seems to be that way. The stage one demonstrates intelligence, and is typically guided by logic rather than intuition. Even if she’s crazy about you, she makes it vividly clear that you’re more than welcome to walk out the door at any given time. The stage one is anything but clingy and is not the one to play mind games with, testing loyalty and interest – she’ll be just fine without you.

Pros: Her approach to love is objective and mature. Clinginess and jealousy are never an issue with a level one clinger, and she won’t nag you about silly things; you'll never hear things like "Why are you watching porn, do I not please you enough?" Moreover, even if you’ve pissed her off, she will subtract herself from your equation and live an objective, confident life without you.

Cons: Her level of emotional attachment is questionable. Not the type to delve into romantic concepts of love. The relationship could end up feeling like a business partnership, lacking passion and intensity. Never feeling 'needed' can lead to problems as well. 

STAGE TWO: Sugar and Spice

Sugar and spice contains a little bit of everything. A stage two clinger delivers genuine intelligence combined with passion, sexiness, and thrill of the chase. Typically educated on concepts of the dating scene, she doesn’t fall for silly mind games, but isn’t afraid to delve into some romance. What makes her especially fascinating is her ability to make things feel exclusive without being clingy, boring and repetitive. She gives in a little bit and then slightly pulls the plug…enough to keep the electricity going, and enough to keep you wanting more. Her approach to love and attraction is: 'Catch me...if you can.' Every single part of her must be earned through a personal magnetism that is genuine and discreet.

Pros: Confidence, intelligence, and an exquisite charm that draws you in. She’s not the one pulling your wrist to drag you into an exclusive relationship. She has an awareness of her worth which makes her authentically sexy. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it…and chances are, she already has.

Cons: You’ll have seemingly obvious ideas of where she stands, but you’ll never know what she’s actually thinking. She'll drop subtle hints about your progress, but you remain uncertain of how you measure up until things become exclusive. Your pride and ego are put aside in the process of pursuing her. And it’s well worth it.

STAGE THREE: The Good Girl

The good girl typically gives her thoughts out unintentionally. She’s the one giggling at your jokes (even the stupid ones) and waiting by her cell phone until your next appearance. Available to see you nine times out of ten, and willing to drop her own life in a heartbeat to accommodate you and the relationship that is unfolding. The good girl will cook you four-course meals within the first month of the relationship and ensure she looks flawless each and every time she sees you. You probably meet the family early on too.

Pros: At face value, she seems perfect. You’re probably the most important person in her life, and very few things can break you apart. She's selfless and giving, and there is a guarantee of commitment and dedication. 

Cons: She surrenders herself entirely and there is nothing challenging/stimulating left for you to pursue. This often leads to boredom and curiosity, eventually causing distance in the relationship…probably from you.

STAGE FOUR: The Psychopathic Girlfriend

The psychopathic girlfriend is nothing short of every guy’s nightmare. She is known to be jealous, possessive, clingy, and nine times out of ten, insecure beyond human comprehension. She’s the one that glares at you with a look of death when a half-naked girl appears on the TV screen. She goes through your phone with or without your knowledge, testing your loyalty, and she sends you countless text messages inquiring your whereabouts at all times. She’s known to discuss touchy topics like marriage and children very early on, and she feels entitled to your mind, body, and soul to the point where it is creepy, annoying and downright psychotic.

Pros: She’ll always be around…ALWAYS!!!  

Cons: Endless suffocation. If you ever step foot into a strip club, do not put it past her to put a bullet through your skull. Her approach to love is 'JUST MARRIED!'...two days into an exclusive relationship. 

Ruin it With Cinderella [7]

1.  Tell her that love is a slave-driven emotion which forces people to act like weaklings.

2.  Running shoes with dress pants. White socks, obviously.

3.  Let her know the last thing you read was Lord of the Flies on Sparknotes.

4.  Always be pissed with your friends and take it out on her.

5.  Send her photos of yourself in brightly-colored boxers and posing in front of a mirror.

6.  Tell her that she’s boring and has no life because she doesn’t get smashed out of her mind every weekend.

7.  Ask her to come over and do your laundry and then ditch her to go clubbing. In the shirt she just washed for you.

8.  Threaten to break up with her as often as possible, being the Godly creature you are.

9.  Better yet, tell her you’re a god.

10.         Constantly beg for a three-some. It will make her feel good about herself.

Ruin it With Cinderella [6]

 

1.  Ask for her hand in marriage in the middle of a coffee date even though you have no established relationship. (Courtesy of Ayesha Zubair)

2.  Ask her if she wants to play slapjack whilst having lunch.

3. Try to convince and/or beg her to like you even though she expressed her lack of interest.

4.  Obtain the mentality that you’re the best thing in her life since her blackberry because you have money and you’re hot.

5.  Act like a total son of a b**** to her around your friends. One word answers and cold shoulder for the win.

6.  Let your friends run your life and tell you who to pick up and drive to places in your car even if they're people you barely know/talk to.

7. Make no effort to include her in plans with your friends, especially if both males and females are present.

8.  Tell her that you understand women. LOL no further comment.

9. Tell her you are a divine, sophisticated, and cunning creature.

10.  Verbally express your cheapness as often as you possibly can.

Ruin it With Cinderella [5]

1.  Tell her she has no sense of humor because she doesn’t find burps funny.

2.  Let her know your favorite show is Jersey Shore, and mean it too.

3.  Make it known that you only shower once a week. Better yet, don’t tell her at all.

4.  Always wear the same outfit with rare or no exceptions.

5.  Take her to a movie on the first date. Who cares about the opportunity to have an actual conversation? Never mind, apparently most people do this.

6.  Tell her that you’re turned on by pretty much anything.

7.  But her expensive sh** every time she’s pissed at you just so she stops b****ing.

8.  Buy her X amount of drinks anytime during first three dates, with the hope that you’ll get some action.

9.  Treat everyone around you like sh**, it’s really quite sexy and it doesn’t humiliate her at all.

10.         Assume that you could be a total a**hole and get away with it, just because she’s good to you and you’ve been together for X.

Stages of Clinginess

STAGE 1: THE SELF-OBSESSIVE PLAYBOY

The self-obsessed playboy can be easy on the eyes, but is generally the epitome of what we call a douchebag. Moreover, he makes it astonishingly obvious that he has no interest in anything exclusive, and he proves it through body language, amount of communication, and eyes that wander and lust for every female that passes. You can tell he isn’t interested and it may or may not have an affect on you. Even if he’s temporarily interested, you can bet your six-inch heels that you share the attention with the other members of his fan club.

PROS: Not a bad option to keep as a friend. In fact, nine times out of ten, he isn’t as douchey as he comes across, he is simply not interested in a relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that.

CONS: Typically the type who can’t get over his reflection. In other cons, he takes you out ONCE hoping to get lucky, and you don’t really hear from him again. You’ll be fine, though.

STAGE 2: THE BIPOLAR DUDE WHO CONFUSES THE SH** OUT OF YOU

The bipolar dude is not formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but he tends to be indecisive, being pulled in many different directions. You think that he’s interested, but he does not act on directly. Amount of communication is very inconsistent; one minute he tells you how awesome and beautiful you are, and then he disappears on a trip to Neverland for two weeks straight. You yourself are undecided whether you’re into him.

PROS: Inconsistency can be adventurous if that’s your thing.

CONS: You develop feelings and he vanishes off the face of the earth. Indecisive = easily manipulated by others; lack of stability, leading to irrational worries and potential insecurity.

STAGE 3: THE BAD-ASS SON OF A B****

This ego-driven smooth talker knows how to charm the panties off any girl he has his eyes on. Compliments he gives you tend to be frequent but subtle. Intentionally keeps things a little bit inconsistent to keep you intrigued, including the amount of communication. He knows how to keep you right on the edge, but he’ll catch you right before you fall off of it. He knows how to protect what's his, (meaning you) and though he reveals in himself a little bit of possessiveness, he does so in a smooth and charming way - you'll hardly even catch his moments of possessiveness, but they exist nonetheless. 

Every word he utters leaves you wanting more; a perfect mix of classy gentleman and bad-boy. The bad-ass son of a b**** is the epitome of game, charm, and confidence.  

PROS: He knows what to say and how to say it. He’s certain that you’re already his, but he acts on this one step at a time, exposing himself slowly and piece by piece. Thrill of the chase is a game that he has mastered, butterflies, sexual tension, EVERYTHING you crave; the whole deal.

CONS: Risk of heart fracture can be high, should you manage to play your cards wrong. The ‘good girl’ types aren’t known to win him over (See Stages of Clinginess, The female version) because the bad-ass son of a b**** craves a mental challenge that has to be pursued and unraveled.

STAGE 4: THE GOOD GUY

The good guy’s interest is clear and vivid from the start. He makes an outstanding effort when it comes to getting to know you and invests much of his time delving into your interests, goals, dreams, and so on. You know you’re the only girl in his life after the first few dates, and the amount of communication is frequent, stable, and predictable. The good guy does not engage in mind games, leading you to confusion and uncertainty, and things are heading towards an exclusive relationship, providing you with a feeling of safety. 

PROS: He’s stable in his communication and overall involvement with you. He’s not the type to trigger your unwanted anxiety, and nine times out of ten, you can trust him with your life. Complete dedication and good intentions. He makes you feel protected and feminine as if you're a prize he won.

CONS: He becomes too predictable.

STAGE 5: THE STAGE 5 CLINGER

The stage five clinger’s hopes for an exclusive relationship are clear and vivid before first date is established. He sends you texts that say “I can’t wait for my parents to meet you,” along with “I miss you,” “I need you,” and “You’re my life!!!” He speaks of short-term and long-term goals as if the two of you are already an item, with the word ‘baby’ coming up in every sentence. Amount of communication is way too frequent, giving you very little space to breathe.

PROS: He’ll never leave you. Even if you leave him. (Oops, that was supposed to go under CONS)

CONS: The concept of SPACE is not an option here. The stage five clinger is known to discuss hot topics such as marriage, number of children, and type of neighborhood the two of you will live in. Neediness is typically a turn-off and may make you question if you were the first to be interested in him. 

Signs She's Not Interested

1.  Her text replies always consist of one word, maybe two. 

2.  She tells you she can’t talk right now because she has to go eat strawberries. 

3.  All of a sudden, in the name of sugar-geese, she's into women even though you took her out two days ago.

4.  She frequently stares into space with a blank look on her face, making you question “What are you thinking about?” – She’s thinking “I don’t want to be here.”

5.  She suddenly tells you about sexual fantasies and desires that gross you out – and not a lot of sexual fantasies are known to gross you out.

Ruin it With Cinderella [4]

1.  Show pride in the fact that you are unemployed, sleep in eight days a week and live off your parents’ income. Flaunt this with no intention to change it anytime soon.

2.  Make inappropriate comments, preferably sexual, to her female friends.

3.  Tell her what she can and cannot wear.

4.  End every single sentence with the word “Still.”

5.  Act like a distant and arrogant son of a b**** to her because she wasn’t in the mood to fool around.

6.  Play video games and/or watch television during obviously intimate and physical actions.

7.  Always show up two or three hours late because “Something came up.”

8.  Talk about yourself as much as you can. Don’t bother asking how her day was, or anything. Who does that sh**?

9.  Take “Nothing” for an answer when you ask her what’s wrong despite the angry, hurt, or sad tone in her voice. Proceed with the day as if nothing happened, as if you are God’s divine gift to the earth itself.

10.         Shove your tongue down her throat in public places, and/or whilst hanging out with mutual friends. 

BONUS:

Enforce the rule of no parties without your royal presence, being insecure as sh**.

Ruin it With Cinderella [3]

 

1.  Spit at the ground as often as you can. 

2.  Brag about your sexual talents and all the girls you’ve slept with. 

3.  Wear sunglasses inside and/or at night, or any other time when the sun is vividly hiding from you.

4.  Tell her you’re a god who will not be brought to the level of a peasant. 

5.  BBM her while she visits the restroom just to inform her how much you miss her.

6.  Show up to the date in a cowboy hat. (Courtesy of Laura-goose)

7.  Use the word babe/baby/honey/angel/sweetheart/bella in every fricken’ sentence. 

8.  Drive like a maniac – nothing is sexier than the thought of dying in a car.

9.  Tell her she would look hotter as a blonde even though she’s a brunette or vice versa.

10.         Insult her intelligence, especially effective in larger groups.

The Date Rubric

If I had it my way, and if it was socially acceptable of course, I would write a formal report after every date and mail it to the guy who took me out. I would point out where he went wrong and include tips for improvement along with a grade percentage. My rubric would go like this:

SUBJECT KNOWLEDGE:

( A+ )

Demonstrates a vivid understanding of making a good impression. Courteous with great sentence structure and vocabulary. No slang.  

( C )

Demonstrates some understanding of making a good impression. Fairly courteous with decent sentence structure and little to no slang.

( F )

Demonstrates little to no understanding of making a good impression. Rudely natured and sentence structure is poor, slangish and uninteresting.

PRESENTATION:

( A+ )

Meets criteria of looking presentable with success. No visible evidence of filthy clothing, torn apart shoes or poor hygiene.

( C )

Meets criteria of looking presentable. Little to no sign of any disgustingness.

( F )

Fails to meet criteria of looking presentable. Failure to shower, shave, and/or wear something decent is apparent.

EYE CONTACT:

( A+ )

Maintains eye contact with appropriate facial expressions and/or gestures.

( C )

Maintains eye contact with appropriate facial expressions and/or gestures, but glances towards cleavage are evident.

( F )

Fails to properly maintain eye contact. Facial expressions and/or gestures translate to “I’m getting laid tonight.” Eyes are glued to cleavage. 

OVERALL CHARM

( A+ )

Demonstrates wit and cleverness. Succeeds in making butterflies invade the stomach of second party.

( C )

Demonstrates some wit and cleverness. Has potential of getting more butterflies out of the cocoon, but second party is left in suspense and uncertainty.

( F )

Demonstrates dullness and lack of enthusiasm. It appears butterflies did not receive invitation to date, and second party is thinking “Never again!”