The Date Rubric

If I had it my way, and if it was socially acceptable of course, I would write a formal report after every date and mail it to the guy who took me out. I would point out where he went wrong and include tips for improvement along with a grade percentage. My rubric would go like this:

SUBJECT KNOWLEDGE:

( A+ )

Demonstrates a vivid understanding of making a good impression. Courteous with great sentence structure and vocabulary. No slang.  

( C )

Demonstrates some understanding of making a good impression. Fairly courteous with decent sentence structure and little to no slang.

( F )

Demonstrates little to no understanding of making a good impression. Rudely natured and sentence structure is poor, slangish and uninteresting.

PRESENTATION:

( A+ )

Meets criteria of looking presentable with success. No visible evidence of filthy clothing, torn apart shoes or poor hygiene.

( C )

Meets criteria of looking presentable. Little to no sign of any disgustingness.

( F )

Fails to meet criteria of looking presentable. Failure to shower, shave, and/or wear something decent is apparent.

EYE CONTACT:

( A+ )

Maintains eye contact with appropriate facial expressions and/or gestures.

( C )

Maintains eye contact with appropriate facial expressions and/or gestures, but glances towards cleavage are evident.

( F )

Fails to properly maintain eye contact. Facial expressions and/or gestures translate to “I’m getting laid tonight.” Eyes are glued to cleavage. 

OVERALL CHARM

( A+ )

Demonstrates wit and cleverness. Succeeds in making butterflies invade the stomach of second party.

( C )

Demonstrates some wit and cleverness. Has potential of getting more butterflies out of the cocoon, but second party is left in suspense and uncertainty.

( F )

Demonstrates dullness and lack of enthusiasm. It appears butterflies did not receive invitation to date, and second party is thinking “Never again!”