Stages of Clinginess

STAGE 1: THE SELF-OBSESSIVE PLAYBOY

The self-obsessed playboy can be easy on the eyes, but is generally the epitome of what we call a douchebag. Moreover, he makes it astonishingly obvious that he has no interest in anything exclusive, and he proves it through body language, amount of communication, and eyes that wander and lust for every female that passes. You can tell he isn’t interested and it may or may not have an affect on you. Even if he’s temporarily interested, you can bet your six-inch heels that you share the attention with the other members of his fan club.

PROS: Not a bad option to keep as a friend. In fact, nine times out of ten, he isn’t as douchey as he comes across, he is simply not interested in a relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that.

CONS: Typically the type who can’t get over his reflection. In other cons, he takes you out ONCE hoping to get lucky, and you don’t really hear from him again. You’ll be fine, though.

STAGE 2: THE BIPOLAR DUDE WHO CONFUSES THE SH** OUT OF YOU

The bipolar dude is not formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but he tends to be indecisive, being pulled in many different directions. You think that he’s interested, but he does not act on directly. Amount of communication is very inconsistent; one minute he tells you how awesome and beautiful you are, and then he disappears on a trip to Neverland for two weeks straight. You yourself are undecided whether you’re into him.

PROS: Inconsistency can be adventurous if that’s your thing.

CONS: You develop feelings and he vanishes off the face of the earth. Indecisive = easily manipulated by others; lack of stability, leading to irrational worries and potential insecurity.

STAGE 3: THE BAD-ASS SON OF A B****

This ego-driven smooth talker knows how to charm the panties off any girl he has his eyes on. Compliments he gives you tend to be frequent but subtle. Intentionally keeps things a little bit inconsistent to keep you intrigued, including the amount of communication. He knows how to keep you right on the edge, but he’ll catch you right before you fall off of it. He knows how to protect what's his, (meaning you) and though he reveals in himself a little bit of possessiveness, he does so in a smooth and charming way - you'll hardly even catch his moments of possessiveness, but they exist nonetheless. 

Every word he utters leaves you wanting more; a perfect mix of classy gentleman and bad-boy. The bad-ass son of a b**** is the epitome of game, charm, and confidence.  

PROS: He knows what to say and how to say it. He’s certain that you’re already his, but he acts on this one step at a time, exposing himself slowly and piece by piece. Thrill of the chase is a game that he has mastered, butterflies, sexual tension, EVERYTHING you crave; the whole deal.

CONS: Risk of heart fracture can be high, should you manage to play your cards wrong. The ‘good girl’ types aren’t known to win him over (See Stages of Clinginess, The female version) because the bad-ass son of a b**** craves a mental challenge that has to be pursued and unraveled.

STAGE 4: THE GOOD GUY

The good guy’s interest is clear and vivid from the start. He makes an outstanding effort when it comes to getting to know you and invests much of his time delving into your interests, goals, dreams, and so on. You know you’re the only girl in his life after the first few dates, and the amount of communication is frequent, stable, and predictable. The good guy does not engage in mind games, leading you to confusion and uncertainty, and things are heading towards an exclusive relationship, providing you with a feeling of safety. 

PROS: He’s stable in his communication and overall involvement with you. He’s not the type to trigger your unwanted anxiety, and nine times out of ten, you can trust him with your life. Complete dedication and good intentions. He makes you feel protected and feminine as if you're a prize he won.

CONS: He becomes too predictable.

STAGE 5: THE STAGE 5 CLINGER

The stage five clinger’s hopes for an exclusive relationship are clear and vivid before first date is established. He sends you texts that say “I can’t wait for my parents to meet you,” along with “I miss you,” “I need you,” and “You’re my life!!!” He speaks of short-term and long-term goals as if the two of you are already an item, with the word ‘baby’ coming up in every sentence. Amount of communication is way too frequent, giving you very little space to breathe.

PROS: He’ll never leave you. Even if you leave him. (Oops, that was supposed to go under CONS)

CONS: The concept of SPACE is not an option here. The stage five clinger is known to discuss hot topics such as marriage, number of children, and type of neighborhood the two of you will live in. Neediness is typically a turn-off and may make you question if you were the first to be interested in him.