1. Wear 400 pounds of make-up and then look like a fricken’ monster when he sees you without it.
2. Play with your hair throughout the entire conversation.
3. Flirt with strangers every opportunity you get to prove you have options and people want to date you.
4. Always be the loudest person in every conversation and every room. Super sexy.
5. Rely on him for everything; ensure he’s your sugar daddy/bank, social entertainment, therapist, chauffeur, etc.
6. Give him ultimatums for every little thing. “Oh my God, what don’t you f***ing understand, it’s me or your dog/friends/motorcycle/puppet/porn!”
7. Get totally smashed out of your mind the first time he brings you to a party with his friends.
8. Disown your physical appearance just because you’ve been together for X. Track pants/hoodies everywhere, messy hair, poor skin, bitten nails, so hot.
9. Tell him you’ll “Think about it” every time he asks you to do something as if you’re the busiest princess of life itself, and eighteen fancy luncheons await you for the week.
10. Bribe him with sex every time you piss him off.
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