Stages of Clinginess

STAGE ONE: The Independent Woman

Strives and thrives on the ‘independent woman’ concept, or so it seems to be that way. The stage one demonstrates intelligence, and is typically guided by logic rather than intuition. Even if she’s crazy about you, she makes it vividly clear that you’re more than welcome to walk out the door at any given time. The stage one is anything but clingy and is not the one to play mind games with, testing loyalty and interest – she’ll be just fine without you.

Pros: Her approach to love is objective and mature. Clinginess and jealousy are never an issue with a level one clinger, and she won’t nag you about silly things; you'll never hear things like "Why are you watching porn, do I not please you enough?" Moreover, even if you’ve pissed her off, she will subtract herself from your equation and live an objective, confident life without you.

Cons: Her level of emotional attachment is questionable. Not the type to delve into romantic concepts of love. The relationship could end up feeling like a business partnership, lacking passion and intensity. Never feeling 'needed' can lead to problems as well. 

STAGE TWO: Sugar and Spice

Sugar and spice contains a little bit of everything. A stage two clinger delivers genuine intelligence combined with passion, sexiness, and thrill of the chase. Typically educated on concepts of the dating scene, she doesn’t fall for silly mind games, but isn’t afraid to delve into some romance. What makes her especially fascinating is her ability to make things feel exclusive without being clingy, boring and repetitive. She gives in a little bit and then slightly pulls the plug…enough to keep the electricity going, and enough to keep you wanting more. Her approach to love and attraction is: 'Catch me...if you can.' Every single part of her must be earned through a personal magnetism that is genuine and discreet.

Pros: Confidence, intelligence, and an exquisite charm that draws you in. She’s not the one pulling your wrist to drag you into an exclusive relationship. She has an awareness of her worth which makes her authentically sexy. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it…and chances are, she already has.

Cons: You’ll have seemingly obvious ideas of where she stands, but you’ll never know what she’s actually thinking. She'll drop subtle hints about your progress, but you remain uncertain of how you measure up until things become exclusive. Your pride and ego are put aside in the process of pursuing her. And it’s well worth it.

STAGE THREE: The Good Girl

The good girl typically gives her thoughts out unintentionally. She’s the one giggling at your jokes (even the stupid ones) and waiting by her cell phone until your next appearance. Available to see you nine times out of ten, and willing to drop her own life in a heartbeat to accommodate you and the relationship that is unfolding. The good girl will cook you four-course meals within the first month of the relationship and ensure she looks flawless each and every time she sees you. You probably meet the family early on too.

Pros: At face value, she seems perfect. You’re probably the most important person in her life, and very few things can break you apart. She's selfless and giving, and there is a guarantee of commitment and dedication. 

Cons: She surrenders herself entirely and there is nothing challenging/stimulating left for you to pursue. This often leads to boredom and curiosity, eventually causing distance in the relationship…probably from you.

STAGE FOUR: The Psychopathic Girlfriend

The psychopathic girlfriend is nothing short of every guy’s nightmare. She is known to be jealous, possessive, clingy, and nine times out of ten, insecure beyond human comprehension. She’s the one that glares at you with a look of death when a half-naked girl appears on the TV screen. She goes through your phone with or without your knowledge, testing your loyalty, and she sends you countless text messages inquiring your whereabouts at all times. She’s known to discuss touchy topics like marriage and children very early on, and she feels entitled to your mind, body, and soul to the point where it is creepy, annoying and downright psychotic.

Pros: She’ll always be around…ALWAYS!!!  

Cons: Endless suffocation. If you ever step foot into a strip club, do not put it past her to put a bullet through your skull. Her approach to love is 'JUST MARRIED!'...two days into an exclusive relationship. 

Ruin it With Prince Charming [8]

1. Whine, whine, whine! Especially outside of the bedroom.

2. Text message the female members of his contact list to ensure he’s not f***ing around.

3. Buy some kind of shared fluffy creature the two of you share custody of and use it as a means to keep the relationship going even if it’s sh**ty.

4. More frequently than not, feed him frozen food.

5. B**** at him and express strong forms of anger because your over-dramatic girlfriends decided to piss you off.

6. Make him feel guilty because he is unable to attend to your needs and be your chauffeur.

7. Interrupt his every every other sentence.

8. Distract him in sexual ways so he doesn’t go out with his friends. Dress up in lingerie, too, that should let him know how desperate and insecure you are do the trick.

9. Be overly affectionate in public, even though he’s hardly holding your fricken’ hand. Nothing shows more jealousy and possessiveness love and tenderness.

10. Act like a total b**** in social gatherings because there happen to be other females that are slightly more attractive than you. This makes up for your lack of looks! 

Ruin it With Prince Charming [7]

1.  Apologize for things you didn’t do because he pressured you to do so.

2.  Send him a message AGAIN, even if he ignored you three days ago.

3. Use reverse psychology in the hope that he will respond accordingly. “I’m fine.” Slam his car door shut.

4.  Reply to his text messages instantly so he knows you’re always available. “Omg baby I’m so happy you msged, I was sitting by my cell all night waiting for the red light of my blackberry to vividly flash. IMY <3”

5.  Nag nag nag. It’s the only technique proven to actually work. Of course he’s gonna want to spend more time with you. Of course he’ll become more considerate. Of course he’ll want to call you more frequently. What kind of psychopath does not get turned on by nagging?

6.  Cry every time he f***s up. It makes you look totally in control of your emotions. Of course it doesn’t give him the control, nor does it make you vulnerable.

7.  Throw out something he got you because you’re pissed at him. Cry with regret shortly afterward.

8.  Forgive him for being a complete d*** because at least he’s not ignoring you anymore.

9.  Make it known to him that you’re afraid he’ll break up with you. Verbally telling him is a bonus.

10.     Pay him surprise visits due to your trust issues. Show up at his work. Make an appearance at boys night. Show up at his apartment at one in the morning too. But bring a late night snack so he doesn’t think you’re a total creep. Guys love surprises. Not a joke.

Ruin it With Prince Charming [6]

1.  Drive to his place at midnight because he says he’s bored and could use the company. Awake from your sleep, get dressed, and fly fly, Mr. Powers!

2.  “Cook” him popcorn and kool-aid for dinner and call it a meal. (Courtesy of ‘Why Men Love Bitches,’ except the book actually supported the idea.)

3.  Equally bad as #2, cook him a seven-course meal a week into the relationship.

4.  Leave a pair of pink panties in his car and/or bathroom to mark your territory. As a matter of fact, might as well put up a “Just Married” sign with tacky high-lighter pink that’s blinding as hell.

5.  Cancel your weekly yoga because he called and wants to see you.

6.  Nag him because he doesn’t do nice things anymore. Question: Are YOU doing too many nice things? Hmm.

7.  Expect a play-by-play of how his time is spent when not with you. How many potato chips did he eat, with which hand, and on which sofa? Are you sure he wasn’t standing in the kitchen while multi-tasking with a phone call AND eating potato chips? Uh oh…

8.  Always, always, ALWAYS be available to see him. No, he will not take your company for granted, you silly-goose! Drop those extra courses you were thinking of taking.

9.Verbally express your need and/or desire for a long-term relationship within the first two-three dates.

10.  Ask him if you could see ex-photos. It will not turn out negative.

Ruin it With Prince Charming [5]

1.  Wear 400 pounds of make-up and then look like a fricken’ monster when he sees you without it.

2.  Play with your hair throughout the entire conversation.

3.  Flirt with strangers every opportunity you get to prove you have options and people want to date you.

4.  Always be the loudest person in every conversation and every room. Super sexy.

5.  Rely on him for everything; ensure he’s your sugar daddy/bank, social entertainment, therapist, chauffeur, etc.

6.  Give him ultimatums for every little thing. “Oh my God, what don’t you f***ing understand, it’s me or your dog/friends/motorcycle/puppet/porn!”

7.  Get totally smashed out of your mind the first time he brings you to a party with his friends.

8.  Disown your physical appearance just because you’ve been together for X. Track pants/hoodies everywhere, messy hair, poor skin, bitten nails, so hot.

9.  Tell him you’ll “Think about it” every time he asks you to do something as if you’re the busiest princess of life itself, and eighteen fancy luncheons await you for the week.

10.         Bribe him with sex every time you piss him off.

Stages of Clinginess

STAGE 1: THE SELF-OBSESSIVE PLAYBOY

The self-obsessed playboy can be easy on the eyes, but is generally the epitome of what we call a douchebag. Moreover, he makes it astonishingly obvious that he has no interest in anything exclusive, and he proves it through body language, amount of communication, and eyes that wander and lust for every female that passes. You can tell he isn’t interested and it may or may not have an affect on you. Even if he’s temporarily interested, you can bet your six-inch heels that you share the attention with the other members of his fan club.

PROS: Not a bad option to keep as a friend. In fact, nine times out of ten, he isn’t as douchey as he comes across, he is simply not interested in a relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that.

CONS: Typically the type who can’t get over his reflection. In other cons, he takes you out ONCE hoping to get lucky, and you don’t really hear from him again. You’ll be fine, though.

STAGE 2: THE BIPOLAR DUDE WHO CONFUSES THE SH** OUT OF YOU

The bipolar dude is not formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but he tends to be indecisive, being pulled in many different directions. You think that he’s interested, but he does not act on directly. Amount of communication is very inconsistent; one minute he tells you how awesome and beautiful you are, and then he disappears on a trip to Neverland for two weeks straight. You yourself are undecided whether you’re into him.

PROS: Inconsistency can be adventurous if that’s your thing.

CONS: You develop feelings and he vanishes off the face of the earth. Indecisive = easily manipulated by others; lack of stability, leading to irrational worries and potential insecurity.

STAGE 3: THE BAD-ASS SON OF A B****

This ego-driven smooth talker knows how to charm the panties off any girl he has his eyes on. Compliments he gives you tend to be frequent but subtle. Intentionally keeps things a little bit inconsistent to keep you intrigued, including the amount of communication. He knows how to keep you right on the edge, but he’ll catch you right before you fall off of it. He knows how to protect what's his, (meaning you) and though he reveals in himself a little bit of possessiveness, he does so in a smooth and charming way - you'll hardly even catch his moments of possessiveness, but they exist nonetheless. 

Every word he utters leaves you wanting more; a perfect mix of classy gentleman and bad-boy. The bad-ass son of a b**** is the epitome of game, charm, and confidence.  

PROS: He knows what to say and how to say it. He’s certain that you’re already his, but he acts on this one step at a time, exposing himself slowly and piece by piece. Thrill of the chase is a game that he has mastered, butterflies, sexual tension, EVERYTHING you crave; the whole deal.

CONS: Risk of heart fracture can be high, should you manage to play your cards wrong. The ‘good girl’ types aren’t known to win him over (See Stages of Clinginess, The female version) because the bad-ass son of a b**** craves a mental challenge that has to be pursued and unraveled.

STAGE 4: THE GOOD GUY

The good guy’s interest is clear and vivid from the start. He makes an outstanding effort when it comes to getting to know you and invests much of his time delving into your interests, goals, dreams, and so on. You know you’re the only girl in his life after the first few dates, and the amount of communication is frequent, stable, and predictable. The good guy does not engage in mind games, leading you to confusion and uncertainty, and things are heading towards an exclusive relationship, providing you with a feeling of safety. 

PROS: He’s stable in his communication and overall involvement with you. He’s not the type to trigger your unwanted anxiety, and nine times out of ten, you can trust him with your life. Complete dedication and good intentions. He makes you feel protected and feminine as if you're a prize he won.

CONS: He becomes too predictable.

STAGE 5: THE STAGE 5 CLINGER

The stage five clinger’s hopes for an exclusive relationship are clear and vivid before first date is established. He sends you texts that say “I can’t wait for my parents to meet you,” along with “I miss you,” “I need you,” and “You’re my life!!!” He speaks of short-term and long-term goals as if the two of you are already an item, with the word ‘baby’ coming up in every sentence. Amount of communication is way too frequent, giving you very little space to breathe.

PROS: He’ll never leave you. Even if you leave him. (Oops, that was supposed to go under CONS)

CONS: The concept of SPACE is not an option here. The stage five clinger is known to discuss hot topics such as marriage, number of children, and type of neighborhood the two of you will live in. Neediness is typically a turn-off and may make you question if you were the first to be interested in him. 

Ruin it With Prince Charming [4]

1.  Verbalize your pickiness in food when you have dinner with his family. 

2.  Be a complete b**** to his friends.

3.  Talk sh** about his ex to make yourself feel better.

4.  Hand in hand with #3, facebook stalk his ex and send her hate mail. 

5.  Throw a tantrum because he didn’t show up with a promise ring on your one year anniversary. 

6.  Always cook him dinner that makes him puke and/or spend the remainder of the evening in the washroom.

7.  B**** and whine about sports teams he enjoys.

8.  Never let him pick the movie, like the princess that you are.

9.  Check guys out from the passenger seat of his car as he’s driving. You know what, wink at them too. 

10.         Criticize his hair, clothes, eyebrows, and overall appearance.

BONUS:

Tell him it's stupid/ridiculous that women should still cook meals.

Ruin it With Prince Charming [3]

1.  Make sure your room/apartment is a disaster the first time he sees it. 

2.  Be a materialistic sh** and b**** at him because he got you a box of chocolate on Valentine’s Day instead of a designer purse and/or jewelry. 

3.  B**** at him and make a scene in public – do it in front of his friends, + 10! 

4.  Change the radio station as soon as you get into his car as if you own him and his taste in music.

5.  Allow him to get you naked on the first date. 

6.  Inform everybody about every fight you have, including your neighbors, friends in Alaska, dog, and facebook. Don’t forget twitter!

7.  Constantly  express interest in his attractive male friends and mean it too.

8.  Never say “Thank you” when he opens a door for you. 

9.  Create a plan to change and perfect him and have no shame in doing so. 

10.         Use past events and arguments against him whenever you’re defenseless.